


Could Never Be Heaven Without You

by davidacorn



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga), Death Note: Another Note
Genre: Gen, M/M, on yeah this is also slightly based off of a Brand New song, this is also religious, this is really sappy and lowkey sad, this talks about BB from another note but even without knowledge of another note you're fine, told from L's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 04:20:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12100593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/davidacorn/pseuds/davidacorn
Summary: *Spoiler* Sometime after L's passing, he tells a story. More of a testimony, if anything. How L met God before death, afterwards, what God really meant to him and why he stayed away..





	Could Never Be Heaven Without You

_ Sometime after the perishing of L Lawliet… _

 

When I spent my time in Tokyo, I didn’t spend much time debating the existence of the supernatural beings I had always heard about. I did, however, debate quite a bit in the time of the Murder Cases in Los Angeles. I remember looking at Beyond Birthday clearly in our time at Wammy’s House, the only Father I ever had and the only home I knew to the day I died. Beyond always had a menacing look in his eye, as if he knew where we’d end up in 10 or 15 years, playing cat and mouse against each other. In the time we were there, I was training to be the world’s best detective; he was training to be the world’s best criminal. Alas, for a while, he was- though he failed, I had not thought that there would anybody willing to top the world’s best detective. 

When we were looking at each other, being prepubescent hooligans, he would tease me about God late at night.  _ “Do you believe in God, Ryuzaki?” _

I remember having deep, detailed conversations with him about the possibility of God, and whether or not Jesus came to this world as the messiah. No matter what I said, Beyond turned it into a contest-  _ But if Jesus came to save, why did our parents die? God can’t love us. We have no parents nor no morals.  _ I spent those teenage years following Beyond’s release reading as much as the Holy Bible as I could- yet, somehow I kept finding myself at Matthew 18:21 and 22.  _ Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?/ And Jesus said unto him,  _ _ I say not unto you, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.  _

I stumbled upon this nearly every time I opened any Bible. With no doubt in my mind did I love Beyond Birthday. Yet even with all of my reading, I could not find the existence of God. I always heard Beyond in my ear.  _ God does not love you. He will not save you.  _ I had accidentally left my Bible during one travelling for a brutal rape case- I could not tell you where that book ended up. I could not tell you why. I did not care too deeply- I knew if I asked, Wammy would buy me another one. I had been spoiled in that way, I suppose. 

I was present when I saw Beyond Birthday in handcuffs and melting skin. Deep in my heart I felt something nostalgic in me that made my eyes well up with tears- I kept my mask on until I had gotten home. I cried, read  _ Akazukin Chacha _ , and prayed, for the first time in my whole life. I still did not feel the presence of the Holy Ghost. I did, however, go to bed accomplished. 

Then, shortly in my time later, I met Light Yagami. I saw him in class and was determined that he was Kira- I knew I should not have had such confirmation bias, but something about the gold that shined in his brunette hair and the way his collars fell on his neck just told me so. He gave me a look that only someone like Beyond Birthday were able to conjure up in a cauldron. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Someone who says  _ God isn’t real,  _ all while thinking,  _ I will become as powerful as a God. I can become God. I will rule you, and make you feel as if your existence is meaningless.  _

I did not see Light Yagami as my enemy. 

Though, I did not ever expect to see him as my comrade. 

Most of my time during the Kira case I was a detective. However, emotions do get the best of us as humans. There was a definitive reason that I made Naomi Misora in charge of the Los Angeles cases. I knew that seeing Beyond in the flesh, after years of not seeing him, I would be buried in my own unresolved feelings. He had asked me once if we were friends. I told him,  _ Maybe in another time we could be friends. But as of now, we are not friends. We are not alone, but we are separate.  _ So, objectively, Beyond Birthday was not my friend. He was my successor. He was, in a way, a partner of mine. Over time with Light Yagami, things were different. 

My life before Light was just,  _ Solve. Solve. Solve. Solve. Justice. Justice. Justice. What would Wammy want?  _ After Beyond, life got so cold. Freezing. Frigid like an addict waiting for a fix. It was the same way it had always been, just on strong, addictive amphetamines. Life slowed the closer I got to Light. I was determined not only to solve, but to watch where I was going to put my foot and where my foot had came from. I was determined to become a better person, all in all. I had never been a bad person- but had I done my fair share of being mortal? Yeah, of course- I regularly drank energy drinks and stopped sleeping. I definitely abused caffeine- however, on a moral standpoint, caffeine could not be abused, therefore it was not illegal. I definitely pushed the law as well- Matsuda falling off of the ledge was inducing panic. I drank too much when I was twenty. Wammy was always there for me. Hell, I would drink  _ while  _ solving cases. Jagerbombs would be the apple of my eye for a year or two. I’d occasionally have a breakthrough on them while working on the Kira case. Very early, before I had even suspected I should meet Light in person. 

In the time that I decided I should be a better person, I asked Wammy to buy me another Bible. He asked me what was going on in my head, especially because I had left my other one all of the years before, and I spoke sparingly,  _ “There is something more here.” _

Easily enough, an outsider looking in could assume that I was pondering the existence of shinigami. Of course if anything spoke of gods of death, it would be the most important book in modern day literature- the Holy Bible. I think Light caught that vibe when I was chained to him all of those nights, though he did not speak of it. Every night I would read- he would read his own book himself, though he would never read the same book two nights in a row. He never once finished a book in those nights, either- it was as if a few hours of reading was just enough. The strangest wind I caught him riding on was  _ A Midsummer Night’s Dream.  _ The more casual?  _ Twilight.  _ I will say I cannot blame him for reading only a couple hours worth of that book. 

As if the pages turned by themselves, I still found myself reading Matthew 18:21-22. I remember one night Light asked me with kind eyes if I was a believer. I sarcastically responded with, “Of what?” The male looked down at the book in my hand and then back to my eyes. I shrugged. That was nearly as far as the religious talk went. He did mention that his father was a large believer in God and prays for his family every morning. I told him that I thought that was sweet, and that I was glad people find comfort in prayer even though I haven’t myself. 

That night I heard  _ God doesn’t love you, _ on a cacophonous loop as Light fell asleep. But as I looked out into the window and pondered, drinking sugar mountain coffee, I think at some point I heard,  _ This God doesn’t love you.  _

_ This God doesn’t love you. This God doesn’t love you. _

I had to decipher what this meant, and I wasn’t sure until the upcoming days. At some point or another, I had seen a shinigami. Her name was Rem. She was the key in me knowing I was going to die soon. Not too long after I had told Wammy that I wish for all of the things to be deleted as we die and that I want to be buried with a gravestone with a cross adorning it. 

Wammy just smiled and said, “You’ve found peace, haven’t you, L?”

I looked at him with watery eyes. I didn’t answer for a moment, but then a tear dropped onto my face as I said, “I washed Light’s feet. I mourned over Beyond’s death, regardless of the pain he brought me. I mourned. I went hysteric. I drank that night. And it saddens me to know that my only friend in this world is Kira- it won’t be Heaven without him, Wammy. But it will be something. It will be peaceful. I will watch Near and Mello catch Kira in some way or other. You will be there. And, when I arrive, I hope God blesses me with wings.”

“Amen, L. God has loved you very much.” Wammy said with a slight nod. Him and I talked shortly following it. He asked me if I really felt that Kira was injustice or if I wanted to clench to a case that would be the hardest to solve, and I admittedly had to tell him both. I told him I found a lot more drive to follow Kira after Beyond’s death, which he told me was odd because I never considered Beyond a friend but I did Light. I had to tell him that the biggest reason I could not find Beyond a friend was that he always told me God would never love me. Wammy told me that was a shame, and that he was even more thankful that I had decided to follow God as best as I could upon finding Light Yagami. 

I walked out of that room with grace in my steps, and remembered myself looking down at Light, thinking,  _ This God doesn’t love you. _

That night I sat and prayed, sitting on my bed and holding my arms high, speaking whatever words I could find. I don’t even think I was speaking Japanese or English at some point anymore, it was just my tongue moving. I felt very satisfied and slept shortly afterwards.

Then the next day was the day I knew I was going to die. The bells rang and they rang more harmoniously than ever before, and I looked at Light with heavy eyes the whole day. One of the worst feelings you could ever have is when you realize your best friend will not walk into the Heaven you reside in someday. To experience it on your deathbed is even worse. I did not know where exactly Light was going- I remember reading in the rules that the owner cannot enter Heaven nor Hell. I was also not too sure where Ryuk and Rem came from, but I assumed it would be some variation of there. 

I loved Light, very very much. I could not put words into my love for him- they were all platonic, of course, but he was such an admirable and well-witted person. I would have liked to think that had he not gotten ahold of the Death Note he would have been my long time partner, helping me defeat justice with grace. Alas, fate had two different things for us. 

* * *

Time doesn’t exist in Heaven. They always say that in Heaven you just become God’s child, but you do not lose your memories of those back on Earth. It is almost as if you watch them and bless over them. For the next four years that followed my death, I simply watched the scene from up above. To bless Near and Mello with knowledge I was not blessed with, as far as I knew, would be wrong of me. I had a feeling when I rode into Heaven my parents had blessed me, but I have not found them quite yet. So I sat, watching the world, preening my feathers. I could not bless Light with goodness- as much as I wanted to, out of love, that is what I longed to do on Earth. He didn’t ever accept it as far as I could tell. But that’s the thing about people- you can lead them to water. You can lead them to Holy Water. If they are stubborn, they won’t drink, they won’t baptize themselves, or they might drown themselves. I watched Light Yagami do all three, multiple times, in Heaven and on Earth. I still longed for him to enter here- I saved a seat in the clouds for him. 

Then, on his judgement day, I saw Ryuk write his name in his Death Note and then Light close his eyes for the last time on a flight of stairs. It was a beautiful day. I could hear the angels whispering- and I was the only one in the circle staying mute. I cried, and God looked at me with strange eyes. He spoke to me, but I could not understand, even though I was an angel. I didn’t want to. He commanded me to say my final goodbye to Light Yagami before he was thrown into the shinigami realm.

I saw Light, with newer eyes, and a newer body, metamorphosing into a new creature. I met his gaze with a smile.

“Yeah, I guess you could say I am a believer. I believe in a lot of things. I believe in the goodness in life and justice. I am sorry that you did not get to see it. I love you very much, Light Yagami, and I hope you enjoy your time in the shinigami realm with Ryuk. If, for some reason, a miracle happens, I have been saving a seat here in Heaven for you. It isn’t Heaven without you. Not really. But I will pray to my beloved Father that you will come here someday. Until then, thank you for the times we spent together. God bless.”

Light looked deathly confused, and that was when I realized that there was only one language Gods of Death could not comprehend- The language of the Angels. I smiled and waved him off and thanked God as I flew around Heaven in relief, looking for the only people there who had loved me; mom, dad, and Wammy. 

**Author's Note:**

> So, I hope you like it. I thought it would be cool to give L's somewhat testimonial. He was buried with a cross gravestone, if you ever noticed, and he also massaged Light's feet which is a reference to Jesus and his disciples. L and Light, in a way, mirror the relationship between Judas and Jesus, and BB and L mirror it the same way as well which is why I talked about Beyond. The song this is based off of is Could Never Be Heaven by Brand New off of Science Fiction.


End file.
